An open letter to Hill's, manufacturers of Science Diet pet food

Dear Sir or Madam,

For many years I have been trying to feed my cats on a diet solely consisting of science. While I had some brief success utilising herpetology specimens, no other science from geology to astronomy sated them. Eventually their piteous mewling sapped my fortitude and I supplemented their diet with food.

Imagine my delight when I discovered your Science Diet. My cats have gone from total disinterest in science to devouring it greedily. I tip my hat to this remarkable breakthrough.

I am greatly interested in your Hairball Control Science Diet. I hope you can answer some of these questions about its efficacy.

  • What is the heaviest hairball I can expect my cats to lift?
  • Will my cats be able to control the hairballs of other cats?
  • Can wigs and toupees be considered hairballs?
  • Does the hairball control effect diminish with distance?
  • Does the cat need to know the location and/or existence of the hairball, in order to control it?
  • Is there a limit on the number of hairballs my cats can control simultaneously, other than the total number of hairballs in the world?
  • If a man were to ingest the Science Diet, would he gain the power of hairball control?
Please reply swiftly, the minds of ordinary men cannot conceive the stakes we are dealing with.

Your benevolent overlord, Craig Timpany

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